Black SplatDead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)

"All dames are alike."

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid - Steve Martin as Rigby Reardon

Description - The sentiments of hard-boiled private eye Rigby Reardon (Steve Martin) spoken to a pigeon in the motion picture Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982). His full rant:

"All dames are alike. They reach down your throat and so they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, and they step on it with their high heels, they spit on it, shove it in the oven and they cook the shit out of it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and they serve it to you and they expect you to say, 'Thanks, honey, it's delicious'."

When Juliet Forrest (Rachel Ward) visits the office of Rigby Reardon, she convinces him to investigate the death of her scientist father who died in a suspicious mountain car crash. Her father was working on a secret cheese recipe.

Rigby Reardon: If you want me to investigate your father's death, I get ten dollars a day - plus expenses.
Juliet Forrest: Will two hundred dollars be enough in advance, Mr Reardon?
Rigby Reardon: Two hundred, I'd shoot my grandmother.
Juliet Forrest: That won't be neccessary.
Rigby Reardon: Never can tell. In my last case, I had to throw my own brother out of an airplane.

Using a list called "The Friends of Enemies of Carlotta" found on a slip of paper, Rigby searches for the truth behind her father's death. Assisting Rigby is his assistant, Philip Marlowe (played by Humphrey Bogart courtesy of black and white clips from classic film noir detective movies from the 1940s and 1950s).

"I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I'd solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits."

Rigby learns that Juliet's father was killed by a Nazi named Field Marshall Von Kluck (Carl Reiner) whose master plan was to launch moldy cheese bombs on America. Rigby foils the plot, but not before Von Kluck had the chance to launch a cheese bomb on Terra Haute, Indiana. "Damn," says Rigby. "And they were just about to get a public library."

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid - Rigby Reardon Meets Field Marshall Von Kluck

The last lines of movie:

"So there it was: the Carlotta mystery all wrapped up in a neat little bundle. As I stood there kissing Juliet, I thought of nothing but hanging up my gun and spending the rest of my days in that ivy-covered cottage. Little did I realize that, less than a year later, she and I would have an even more exciting adventure - which is coming soon to your neighborhood theater... with a possible nude scene by Juliet."

Note: In the film Johnny Dangerously (1984) Danny Vermin offered this critique: “Dames are put on this earth to weaken us, drain our energy, laugh at us when they see us naked.”

Jerry Lacy (a Humphrey Bogart double) waxed nostalgic in Play It Again, Sam (1972) when he said, “Dames are simple. I never met one that didn’t understand a slap in the mouth or a slug from a forty-five.”

James Cagney as plantation foreman Nick Butler iIn the film Torrid Zone (1940) puts down nightclub star Lee Donley (Ann Sheridan) with “The trouble with you dames is you’re always building castles in the air and trying to move into them.”

Peter Falk as Abe “Kid Twist” Reles in the 1960 film Murder, Inc. did a variation of the phrase when he said, “I'm gonna tell you something about women. I never met one that didn't need a rap in the head, and often.”

And in the animated feature length cartoon Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937), Grumpy (Pinto Colvig), one of the seven dwarfs, says, “Angel, ha! She’s a female! And all females is poison! They’re full of wicked wiles!” when Snow White is found sleeping in the dwarfs’ forest home.

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid - Movie Poster

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