"It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there! Get it together! Let's play some dodgeball!"
Description: Rip Torn as Patches O'Houlihan gives a pep talk to the members of his dogeball team in the motion picture Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (1994).
"There are those who are born to be winners, and then, there are 'these' guys. Now, to save the only place they call home, they'll have to play the weirdest game on earth. Get ready to get into the game. Cheer for the underdogs and grab life by the ball. Dodgeball: a true underdog story." - Movie Trailer
Patches O'Houlihan is a loony, wheelchair-bound ADAA dodgeball legend whose philosophy is "Take care of your balls and they'll take care of you." He was hired to coach a rag-tag team of dodgeball misfits who played for Peter LeFleur (Vince Vaughn), the owner of Average Joe's Gymnasium located in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Peter needed Patches because White Goodman (Ben Stiller), an obnoxious fitness guru with a Fu Manchu mustache decides to expand his Globo Gym America Corporation and buy LeFleur's run-down business. Goodman feels his enterprise is superior to the LeFleur's hole-in-the wall gym and intends to shut the place down and put up a parking structure for local Globo Gym members.
"Your Gym is a skid-mark on the underpants of society...In 30 days I'll be bulldozing that shit heap you call a gym into permanent nothingness, And I can only hope that you, and the mongrel Race that comprise your membership are inside it when I do." - White Goodman
To save his gym, Peter must devise a plan to get $50,000 to pay off his defaulted mortgage. Luckily, the Las Vegas Dodgeball Tournament is in town and the winning prize is exactly the amount LeFleur needs to save the day. And so, Peter puts together a dodgeball team that consist of: Owen Dittman (Joel Moore), a love-lorn loser; Dwight, a know-it-all; Gordon Pibb (Stephen Root), a shy guy who likes odd sports; Justin Redman (Justin Long), a geeky high school student; and Steve "the Pirate" Cowan (Alan Tudyk), who likes to dress and act like a pirate. Once a guy in a truck told him, "Go back to Treasure Island!!! Fag!!! Screw you!!!"
As Patches begins to train LeFleur's team, he uses such unorthodox methods as tossing steel wrenches at the team members, proclaiming "If you can dodge wrenches, you can dodge a ball." To further increase the team's speed, he has them running between fast moving cars. Again, he insisted "If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball."
|Patches:||If you're gonna learn to be true dodgeballers, then you've gotta learn the five D's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge! If you master the five D's, no amount of balls on earth can hit you. [Justin raises his hand] Queerbait, go ahead.|
|Justin:||Um, me? Or...I--Um...shouldn't we learn by...y'know, like dodging balls that are thrown at us, or...?|
|Patches:||That's what this sack of wrenches is for. [empties the sack] If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. Justin: What? [Patches hurls a wrench in Justin's face, and he squeals in pain] Any other questions?|
|Justin:||[screams] Oh, my God! [still writhing in agony on the floor]|
|Peter:||Uh, Patches, is this really necessary?|
|Patches:||Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?|
|Patches:||No! But I do it anyway, 'cause it's sterile and I like the taste!|
During one training session, Patches is disappointed with Gordon, and shouts: "You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat! Where's your killer instinct, son? You gotta get angry! You gotta get MEAN! That's the only way you can play!" When Gordon apologizes for not being an angry person, Patches punches Gordon in the crotch, and says, "Are you angry now?"
"Hell, son, you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!" - Patches
However, Patches is impressed by as Katherine "Kate" Veatch (Christine Taylor), an attorney originally hired by Goodman to oversee the gym's foreclosure until she decided to help Peter and his cause. The team's latest recruit, Patches believes she is a lesbian, but when informed she was not a lesbian, he remarks "All I know is that dyke can play!" (It turns out that Kate is actually a bisexual.)
"Remember, dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation. So, when you're picking players in gym class, remember to pick the bigger, stronger players for your team. That way you can gang up on the weaker ones, like Winston here." - Patches [in an old black and white film]
When White Goodman learns that LeFleur is trying to win the money needed to block his acquisition, he calls in some favors and enters the tournament with a team of his own (The Purple Cobras) that is comprised of musclebound goons named Blade (Rusty Joiner), Lazer (Kevin Porter), Blazer (Brandon Molale), Me'Shell Jones (Jamal Duff) and Fran Stalinovskovichdavidovitchsky (Missi Pyle), a freakishly ugly female with a wicked throwing arm.
On the night before the tournament, however, Patches is killed by a falling ("Luck of the Irish") casino sign which leaves the team without a coach. On top of this tragedy, Justin leaves the team to help a female friend with her cheerleading competition and Steve leaves the team after Peter insults Steve's childish pirate behavior. Consequently, Goodman offers $100,000 to buy Peter's gym, which he accepts.
Luckily, because of a loophole in the rules (and a deciding vote cast by Chuck Norris), Peter has the chance to challenge Goodman to a sudden-death playoff for the dodgeball championship. Peter wins the game and $5 million dollars from a (50 to 1) gambling side bet. With his winnings, Peter buys a controling interest into the Globo Gym empire and manages to get White Goodman fired. As a result of his dismissal, Goodman turns to junk food to drown his sorrows and loses his trim athletic physique.