Black Splat Elves (1989)
   

"Sorry my friends bled all over your fucking store. You want me to stay here and clean it up, asshole?"

Julie Austin as Kirsten from the holiday horror film ELVES

Description: Julie Austin as teenager Kirsten responds to her boss after a bunch of Nazis and Elves caused damage and death to a department store in the low-budget 1989 horror movie Elves (1989) filmed in Colorado Springs, CO and directed my Jeffrey Mandel.

The elves in question were the product of a Nazi experiment designed to create a race of supermen. To accomplish their mission, the elves must impregnate an Aryan female. The unlucky candidate for the insemination is Kirsten, whose Grandpa is a former Nazi. Now Grandpa had since changed his tune about the whole Hitler thing, but that doesn't stop modern-day Nazis in wanting to fulfill their Fuehrer's dream of creating a Fourth Reich world of half-human/half-elf hybrids.

The whole thing started when Kirsten and her friends went into the woods to perform an anti-Christmas ritual ("We now convene the Sisters of Anti-Christmas. We bemoan Christmas as a petty, over-commercialized media event...") but before they can finish, the glass container holding the lit candle breaks and cuts Kirsten's hand and spills some of her blood on the ground which later awakens a bunch of near-sighted demonic Nazi elves who like to eat toads. Unawares of the elves resurrection, Kirsten returns to town and resumes her job behind the snack counter of a local department store.

Image of an evil elf from the 1989 movie ELVES

Meanwhile, the elves go on a killing spree, murdering the department store Santa (via castration) and eventually electrocuting Kirsten's mother (Deanna Lund) while bathing in the tub. Earlier Kirsten's evil Mom stuffed the family cat into a pillowcase and drowned it the toilet, so death by water seemed fitting.

Coming to the rescue is Mike McGavin (Dan Haggerty) a former cop who fell on hard times when he lost his job because of his alcoholism. Mike replaced the murdered Santa Claus at the department store and decides to sleep inside the store's storage room at night since he was evicted from his own residence.

Soonafter, Kirsten sneaks into the store with her friends Amy, and Brooke to have an all-night party with their boyfriends, but before the fun begins, a bunch of modern-day Nazis and Elves crash the party, kill her friends (Amy shot in head by Nazi; Brooke stabbed to death by an elf) and try to kidnap Kirsten and have her copulate with the elves. Luckily, Mike intervenes and they escape unharmed.

After some research at the public library (Dewey Decimal section "666"), Mike visits the home Professor O’Conner (Paul Rohrer), an expert on Nazi lore who offers two theories about the elves.

"There are two schools of thought. One: The Nazis experimented with the elves as assassination teams. Small, easily hidden, silent, vicious. They have magical powers. They can't be hurt or killed. They eat anything. They're a perfect soldier. The problem is there's no such thing.

Theory two: The elves were a genetic engineering experiment. Now I like this one better. It mixes science and the occult. The Nazis did have some clever scientists. This was before today's technology, of course. Each elf was to hold a half-loid gene structure in its sperm cells to produce the master race. Once again, magical powers. Can't be Killed. Driven to the select the perfect genetic mate, the proverbial virgin, of course. Only midnight consummation on Christmas eve. The elf mates with the virgin on Christmas eve to produce the master race. And it will eventually rule the world. But once again the problem is, there's no such thing. No elves!"

It's about this time that Kirsten learns that her Grandpa is an ex-Nazi scientist and he had sex with her mother in order to create the perfect human specimen to be impregnated by the Elf, which happens to be her. Kirsten also learns about a mystic "elfstone" found in her grandfather's study that can end the curse of the elves.

After Mike, Kirsten and her Grandfather have a climatic showdown with the Nazis at their home, Kirsten escapes into the woods with her little brother, Willy only to be caught by the elves who seek to consummate.

Realizing her only hope it to retrieve the elfstone from the house, Kirsten sends her little brother to Mike who has been wounded. Mike gives the boy the crystal who then rushes back to the woods and gives it to Kirsten. She stabs the crystal into the earth, which destroys the elves and the Nazi's dream of a new super race. In the final scene of the movie, we hear a heart beat and see a glowing fetus on the ground. Looks like the makings of an Elves II sequel (which was never made).


Elves - 1989 Movie Poster


 
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