"The soul of a woman is darker than a back alley..."
Description: Armand Assante as Ned Ravine, alleged expert on the mind of a woman, sets the mood for the beginning of the film noir parody Fatal Instinct (1993) as he gives his opinion of the opposite sex in this opening voiceover:
“Women are one of life’s great mysteries. To some guys women are like a big
jigsaw with pieces that just don’t fit. I think the soul of a woman is darker than a back alley and more tangled than a telephone cord, and colder than an Eskimo pie in Anchorage, but those guys don’t even have a clue. When you know women the way I do, you know exactly what makes them tick, what makes them hum, what makes them jiggle up and down when they walk. There are two kinds of women in the world and I’ve known them both. One will take you for a fast ride on a bumpy road with no seat belt, the other kind...”
Suddenly, the voice of Ned’s partner Arch (John Witherspoon) says, “Gee, knock off the chatter, will you, Ned?”
Ned is a lawyer who moonlights as a cop. He is married to Lana (Kate Nelligan), who is cheating on her husband with local car mechanic, Frank Kelbo (Christopher McDonald). They want Ned dead, and set about to kill him to cash in on Ned's triple indemnity insurance policy.
Meanwhile, Lola Cain (Sean Young), a luscious blonde seduces Ned. When they first meet at a carnival, Lola offers to buy Ned a hot dog. He says, "Who can say no to a weiner?" She sexily replies "Not me...two dogs...HOT!" As Lola eats her weiner, Ned asks, "Do you come here often?" She replies, "Only when I'm in heat."
"You really are incredibly stupid, aren't you? I like that in a man." - Lola Cain
The two share a night of passion in Lola's apartment where she and Ned make love all over the place, including the staircase and the refrigerator. When they finish lovemaking, they share a bathtub where Lola farts in the tub, reaches for her cigarette lighter and ignites the fart gas. "Sorry!" Soon after their torrid tryst, Ned receives a pet skunk in the mail from Lola as a sign of her affection.
"Put the CAN back in AmeriCAN! The JEW back in JURISprudence! The CON back in CONstitution! And the DUMB back in freeDOM!" - Ned Ravine
Ned tries to end things between Lola, but she refuses and begins to stalk Ned as he goes about his normal life as a defense attorney and police officer. When Lola meets Ned's wife Lana for the first time, Ned denies knowing the woman: "I have never seen this woman in my life. I never followed her home. I never had sex with her in her refrigerator. This is a sick fantasy, and I deny everything."
Tired of Lola's intrusion in his life, a furious Ned tells Lola, "WHEN will women like YOU learn you CAN'T tear apart a perfectly good marriage with your vicious lies?" At one point, Ned throws Lola up against the wall the shouts, "You stay away from my wife, my life, my home, and my skunk!"
One additional threat in Ned's life is Max Shady (James Remar), a recently released prisoner who blames Ned for a faulty defense which got him sent to jail. He like Lola begins to stalk Ned with ill intent.
|Ned Ravine:||[in court] Miss Lincolnberry, can you tell us what this is?|
|Laura Lincolnberry:||Yes, that is one of the many death threats that Max Shady faxed to you the day that he was released from prison.|
|Ned Ravine:||A fax... in which he threatened to purée... certain parts of my anatomy... in a blender.|
|Prosecutor:||I object! There's no need to deal with the facts in this case.|
|Judge Skanky:||I'll allow it.|
In the end, the jealous Lola kills Max Shady when she mistakes him for Ned, and drowns Ned's unfaithful wife in the bathtub. Consequently, Ned struggles with Lola who falls to her death though a railing (weakened by Lana to kill Ned). With all his troubles vanquished, Ned marries his faithful secretary Miss Lincolnberry (Sherilyn Fenn).
Note: Done in the style of the Naked Gun movies starring Leslie Nielsen, Fatal Instinct (1993) is a spoof of the late 80s and early 90s suspense thrillers and murder mysteries, including Basic Instinct, Fatal Attraction, Sleeping With The Enemy, Cape Fear and other films in the genre.
The narration for the film's movie trailer follows:
"Lt. Ned Ravine. By night, he arrests them...by day, he defends them. But all that changed the moment he met....her. Now a single indiscretion is about to put his life in danger. His devoted wife is setting him up, his new client is feeling him up, and his old client is looking him up. MGM presents Armand Assante as Ned Ravine; Sean Young as Lola, a steamy seductress with a great set of lungs; Kate Nelligan as Lana; and Sherilyn Fenn as Laura. When passion gets this hot, and sex gets this cold, only one movie can make it all stick together. FATAL INSTINCT, a movie that proves behind every great man is a woman with an ice pick."