"Hey, beautify the neighborhood...stay indoors!"
Description: Rodney Dangerfield as Chester Lee suggests a solution for beautifying the neighborhood after he sees a fat guy with his shirt off as he drives by a local park in the motion picture Ladybugs (1992).
"To get ahead in business, sometimes you have to play ball. What he doesn't know could get him fired. What he is willing to try could get him arrested. But let the competition beware. Nobody plays the field like Dangerfield." - Movie Trailer
Chester Lee works for Mullen Industries. Because he aspires to climb the corporate ladder, he agrees to coach the company's sponsored all-girl soccer team. Good thing: the boss's daughter Kimberly (Vinessa Shaw) plays on the team, so Chester has a chance to impress his employer and get a promotion. Bad thing: Chester knows very little about the game, and worse yet, the girls on his team are just not very talented.
When his assistant Julie Benson (Jackée Harry) asks, "Do you know a lot about soccer?" Chester replies, "Not much, all I know is I got a lotta balls."
To improve his odds, Chester covertly recruits Matthew (Jonathan Brandis), the son of his fiancée as a ringer to play on the team. He is young and talented and all he needs is a wig and a prayer to pull his scheme off. Reluctant at first, the teenager agrees and becomes Martha, the team's new player.
As Matthew settles into the team, Chester gives offers a few suggestions on how he should comport himself with the female players.
- A girl doesn't give the opposing team the finger and tell their coach, "Up yours!"
- A girl doesn't refer to the referee a blind bastard.
- A girl doesn't slap another girl on the ass and say, "You're hot stuff!"
- A girl doesn't say "I gotta take a leak so bad I can taste it!"
- And "Hey, after the game, no showers!"
|Chester:||I tell you, that Welfelt has power. You know, with the right training, she could be the best player we have!|
|Julie:||The best player we have? Well, what about Larimer over there, the little black girl? She's the best player we have! You know that black people are the best at sports, c'mon! We're the best runners, the fastest runners, the best at track. We're the best at baseball, the best at boxing, the best at basketball, football. Hey, you name it!|
|Chester:||Eeesh, black people are best at sports. Are you kidding? How about hockey? And waterpolo? Fencing! Best at sports... hey, badminton! Yachting! Best at sports... Oh, I forgot fox hunting! Best in sports...|
As Chester coaches his girls, he yells, "Try and control the ball! Forget the ball, try and stay on your feet! Get out of the net, you're not a fish! Pester, you're in a different time zone! Oh beautiful, beautiful! [looks up at the sky] Why me? Why me?...Oh, I'm off to a great stop"
At one point, Chester ponders his chance of winning a game or two, and says, "We have a chance. Like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest."
Eventually,the girls make it to the final game of the championship, when Matthew's secret life is revealed. Now the girls must play the final game without him. To pump up the team's moral, Chester declares, "You don't need a man to help you win! You're women, you won the right to vote, you can burn your bras! When you get them!"
In the end, the girl's win the championship, Chester gets a promotion, and Matthew, who no longer has to live his life as Martha, can be more than just a girlfriend to the girl he loves (Kimberly, daughter of Chester's boss).
Note: Here are a some more funny lines from coach Chester Lee, aka the fabulous Rodney Dangerfield.
- "I've never saw such beautiful landscaping. Looks like all the trees threw up."
- "I read a book once, "100 Ways to Make Love." I ended up in traction, it was a misprint!"
|Chester:||Idiot. Moron. Jerkoff.|
|Bartender:||Hey buddy, what's your problem? I don't have to take your bullshit.|
|Chester:||Oh, I wasn't talkin' to you. I was talkin' to myself.|
|Chester:||My name is Chester, I'm great, I'm wonderful! Everybody likes me!|
|Redneck:||Hey, Chester. My name's Harland, and to me you look like a giant asshole.|
|Chester:||Well, if I'm an asshole there's a reason for it. You're contagious!|
|Coach Bull:||If you were in my army, I would have you on latrine duty!|
|Chester:||Hoo! Smells like I'm there now.|
In the motion picture Good Morning, Vietnam (1987) Robin Williams as army disk jockey Adrian Cronauer broadcast this humorous news report: “President Johnson today signed a highway beautification bill. Basically, the bill said that his daughters could not drive in a convertible on public highways.”