"Ain't life a bitch?"
Description: Final words of Billy Cole, a football player who commits suicide on the playing field after shooting other players in the motion picture The Last Boy Scout (1991).
The movie begins as Billy Cole (Billy Banks), the star-wide receiver for the L.A. Stallions football team receives a threatening phone call from a goon named Milo (Taylor Negron) who wants Billy to win the game at all costs, or else.
Upset, Billy ingests PCP before the game and when he gains possession of the football, he rushes to the goal post. When opposing players try to stop him, Billy pulls out a hand gun and shoots three players and makes the touch down. With the approach of security, Billy kneels on the rain-soaked ground, says, "Ain't life a bitch?" and shoots himself in the head.
Meanwhile, Joseph "Joe" Cornelius Hallenbeck (Bruce Willis), a cynical, alcoholic private detective who used to be a Secret Service agent discovers his wife Sarah (Chelsea Field) was having an affair with his best friend, Mike Mathews (Bruce McGill). But soon after, Mike is killed by a car bomb.
|Mike Mathews:||It just happened, Joe. It...|
|Joe Hallenbeck:||Sure, sure, I know... it just happened. Coulda happened to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, slipped on the floor and accidentally stuck your dick in my wife. "Whoops! I'm so sorry, Mrs. H. I guess this just isn't my week."|
Before Mike died, he gave Joe an assignment to be a bodyguard for a stripper named Cory who had received death threats. But Joe is knocked out and Cory and her boyfriend James Alexander Dix (Damon Wayon) are attacked during a driveby shooting. Cory is killed, but Joe arrives in time to save Dix a former Quarterback for the L.A. Stallions, '89-'90 who was banned from the league on gambling charges, allegations of drug abuse team.
"The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets. Who gives a fuck?" - Joe
Joe and Dix soon discover a trail of corruption which leads to Sheldon "Shelly" Marcone (Noble Willingham), a football team owner who is involved in paying off Senator Calvin Baynard (Chelcie Ross) for his support in legalizing gambling on pro football games.
|Joe Hallenbeck:||Since it's the '90s, you don't just smack a guy in the face. You say something cool first.|
|Jimmy Dix:||Like, "I'll be back."|
|Joe Hallenbeck:||Only better than that. Hit him with a surfboard...|
|Jimmy Dix:||"Surf's up!"|
|Joe Hallenbeck:||Something like that.|
Before Cory was killed, Hallenbeck was attacked and knocked out in an alley by some thugs. He wakes to find one of the thugs (Badja Djola) holding a gun, who says, "Wrong place, wrong time. Nothing personal." Joe spits back, "That's what you think. Last night I fucked your wife." Surprised, the thug replies, " Oh you did, hah? How'd you know it was my wife?" Joe informs the man, "She said her husband was a big pimp lookin' motherfucker with a hat."
The Thug says, "Oh, you're real cool for somebody who's about to take a bullet." Joe just says, "After fucking your wife I'll take two." The thug threatens "Do you want it in the chest or the head?” Joe quips, “Yeah that’s what your wife says.” The thug barks, “Hey, man, stop with the wife shit!”
Joe continues, “Ask me how fat she is. Ask me.” Playing along, the thug asks, “How fat is she?” Joe taunts the crook: “She’s so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. If you wanna fuck her, you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in! She’s so fat, her high school picture was an aerial shot!”
While the thug laughs, Joe jabs the creep with a broken bottle, takes his gun only to discover Cory and her boyfriend Dix have been attacked while driving away in their car. The machine gun fire kills Cory, but Joe arrives in time to save Dix and kill the other thugs.
Aiding Sheldon Marcone is his ruthless henchman, Milo who tells an unsuspecting policeman, "Yes, officer. As a matter of fact there is a problem. Apparently, there are too many bullets in this gun," and then kills the cop.
When Milo meets Joe, he says, "Can we do a formal introduction here?" Joe growls, "Who gives a fuck? You're the bad guy, right?" Milo agrees, "I am the bad guy." Joe replies, "And I'm supposed to be trembling with fear, something like that?" Milo says, "Something like that." Unperturbed, Joe answers, "Fine. I'll start trembling in a minute."
Frustrated, Milo says, "You think you're so fuckin' cool, don't you? You think you're so fuckin' cool. Well just once, I would like to hear you scream, in pain." Joe quips, "Play some rap music."
When Senator Baynard turns the tables on Marcone and asks for $6 million or he will report the crook to the authorities for trying to bribe a politician, Marcone figures it would be cheaper to kill the Senator. Using the knowledge that it was Senator Baynard who was responsible for having Joe Hallenbeck fired from the Secret Service, Marcone plans on framing Hallenbeck for the Senator's murder.
"She's like thirteen years old, and if you even look at her funny, I'm gonna stick an umbrella up your ass and open it." - Joe [to Jimmy, who eyes Joe's daughter]
In the end, Milo kidnaps Joe's daughter Darian (Danielle Harris), Jimmy rescues Darien, Joe sets up Milo to be shot the police while trying to kill Barnyard, Milo falls over the edge of the stadium into the blades of a helicopter, and Marcone flees and is blown to pieces when he opens a briefcase full of money rigged with a bomb. Finally, Joe reconciles with his wife, and Joe and Dix become partners.
"Be prepared, son. That's my motto. Be prepared." - Joe [last line in the movie]