"My cousin was a weird guy."
Description: Jason Lee as Brodie Bruce in the motion picture Mallrats (1995).
Brodie Bruce is a college student who loves Sega computer games and comic books. When both he and his best friend TS Quint (Jeremy London) lose their girlfriends on the same day, they decide to go to the local mall to commiserate and hang out. Just to pass the time, Brodie talks about his cousin:
"One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat! I said, ‘Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you’re just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don’t you knock it off?’ And he says to me, ‘Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?’ My cousin was a weird guy.”
|Brodie:||It's impossible! Lois Lane could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee you that when he comes during sex, he pro bally blows a load like a shotgun blast... right through her back! And if by chance Lois does get pregnant, what about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?|
|Quint:||Sure, why not?|
|Brodie:||He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way Superman could bang regular chicks is if he does it with a kryptonite condom, but that would probably kill him!|
As Brodie and Quint wander around the mall, they devise a play for winning back their girlfriends, but not before running across Tricia "Trish the Dish" Jones (Renée Humphrey), a 15-year-old author of a sex novel "Bore-Gasm - A Study of the Nineties Male Sexual Prowess"; Willam (Ethan Suplee) who stares at Magic Eye 3-D images hoping to find the hidden Sailboat within; Stan Lee, a comic book artist/writer, and Brodie's idol; and two strange fellows: Jay (Jason Mewes), a talkative guy and his quiet partner, Silent Bob (Kevin Smith). Jay praises his friend Bob, saying:
"Silent Bob here's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. The mother fucker's like MacGyver. No, the mother fucker's better than MacGyver."
When Brodie and Quint are not sharing time with their friends, they enjoy irritating Shannon Hamilton, a store clerk who just wants them to buy something, but the boys never do.
|Shannon:||Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those loser fucking mallrat kids. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out all day, act like you fucking live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.|
|Brodie:|| Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?
[Shannon beats up Brodie]
|Shannon:||Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless. The newly single always feel a bit protective of the ex-boyfriend.|
|Brodie:||If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me.|
|Shannon:||You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable.|
|Brodie:||What, like the back of a Volkswagen?|
|Shannon:||No. More like someplace girls dread.|
|Brodie:||After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.|
|Quint:||How do you propose I do that?|
|Brodie:||You stinkpalm him.|
|Brodie:||You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.|
|Quint:||You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.|
|Brodie:||Yeah I probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?"|
|Quint:||Whats the point?|
|Brodie:||You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.|
|Quint:||Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.|
|Brodie:||Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.|
Note: Comedy skits on THE STEVE ALLEN SHOW in the 1950s featured an Army Sergeant (played by Wally Cox) whose hookline catchphrase was “What a crazy guy!”
And, in the film The Doom Generation (1995) James Duval as Jordon White says, “I feel like a gerbil spinning around in Richard Gere's butt.”