"Now you blow it, you’re going down. You screw up, you’re going to be hung out to dry. You drop the ball, you’re going to be left twisting in the wind. If you embarrass this department, your pants will be dancing with figs. Is that clear?"
Description: Police Sgt. Detective Wes Luger (Samuel L. Jackson) chastised by his superior Captain Doyle (Frank McRae) in the motion picture National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1 (1993). Upon hearing the Captain’s declaration, Sergeant Luger replies, “Everything except for the dancing with figs thing!”
Sgt. Wes Luger works for the Los Angeles Police Department. When he leans that his former partner Billy York (Whoopi Goldberg) is dead, he teams up with loose cannon Sgt. Jack Colt (Emilio Estevez) to learn the truth and exact justice.
|Wes Luger:||You have reached the desk of sergeant Wes Luger, please leave a message after the beep.|
|Sgt. Billy York:||Yeah Wes it's...|
|Wes Luger:||Hey I said after the beep!|
|Sgt. Billy York:||Well excuse me!|
As Luger investigates his partner's alleged suicide, he expresses doubt, and says "I don't think York was a suicide. She was on to something." Hearing his objection, precinct Captain Doyle replies, "On something is more likely. You know as well as I that this guy's cookies were laced with cocaine. Suddenly, Luger is struck with a revelation, "No wonder I couldn't eat just one."
"York and I were in academy together. Then we partnered for five years. Before that, we dodged the draft together. Before that, we played high school football together. Before that, we were in grade school together. And before that, we breast fed together." - Sgt. Wes Luger
At one point, the detectives ask a valet (Charlie Sheen) to retrieve Det. Luger's station wagon (owned by his wife), but it blows up as the valet starts the engine. Undeterred, the detectives, call a taxi but it, too, blows up. Calmly, Jack Colt says, "Guess we are making someone nervous. Tell you what, it's gonna take a lot more than a couple of car bombs to get us off this case." His partner replies, "Not a helluva lot more."
The detectives soon discover that Billy York was murdered because she had microfilm that contained a secret recipe for making cocaine laced cookies. Cookies that were being sold by the Wilderness Girls (a parody of Girl Scouts of America).
The plan, masterminded by General Mortars (William Shatner), who happens to be Jack Colt's former commander in Vietnam, was to addict the nation on cocaine via the cookies and thus increase his earnings and his drug empire.
General Mortar's partner in crime is henchman Mr. Jigsaw (Tim Curry) who disguised as a Wilderness Girl had gained access to the home of Billy York and then killed her as he searched for the microfilm with the cocaine cookie recipe.
|Jack Colt:||Who are you?|
|Mr. Jigsaw:||I'm your worst nightmare.|
|Jack Colt:||No, waking up without my penis is my worst nightmare.|
|Mr. Jigsaw:||Okay, alright, so I'm not actually your worst nightmare. But I am right up there.|
In the end, following clues given by the infamous cannibal Dr. Harold Leacher (f. Murray Abraham), the detectives discover the location of the Wilderness Girl Cookie Factory. In a fiery conclusion, the cocaine cookie operation is blown to bits when a cigarette ignites a gasoline spill.
Note: The film's director Gene Quintano (of Police Academy 4 fame) tries to mirror the success of the Naked Gun film franchise, unfortunately, the film's attempt at comedy finds little praise from the critics despite assorted sight gags, deadpan slapstick, and obvious inspirations ripped from the celluloid of such films as Basic Instinct (a gratuitous shot of a beaver smoking a cigarette), and The Silence of the Lambs, (where in Jack Colt asks incarcerated cannibal Dr. Harold Leacher, "I just gotta ask... what *does* human flesh taste like?" and the Doctor replies "Chicken."