"Excuse me! Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?"
Description: One of the many self-deprecating remarks fireman C. D. ‘Charlie’ Bales (Steve Martin) recites to a crowd of tavern patrons in the comedy film Roxanne (1987).
C.D. 'Charlie Bales is a Fire Chief for a small Amercian town in the Pacific Northwest. He is intelligent, witty and has a very, very large, nose. Upon seeing Bales' nose for the first time, Chris McConnell (Rick Rossovich), a newly hired firefighter says, "It's huge! It's enormous! It's gigantic! I mean, they said it was big, but I didn't expect it to be BIG!"
When a loudmouth customer calls Charlie “big nose” at a local bar, Charlie asks, "Is that all you've got?" and bests the man in a dual of wits. The following is a list of Charlie’s witticisms:
- Obvious: Excuse me! Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
- Meteorological: Everybody take cover, she’s going to blow!
- Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger...like Wyoming.
- Personal: Well! Here we are. Just the three of us.
- Punctual: All right, Dillman, your nose was on time, but you were fifteen minutes late.
- Envious: Ohhh! I wish I were you. Gosh! To be able to smell your own ear.
- Naughty: Pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn’t mind putting that thing away.
- Philosophical: You know it’s not the size of a nose that matters, it’s what in it.
- Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you; sneeze and its goodbye Seattle.
- Commercial: Hi! I’m Carl Shad and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
- Polite: Would you mind not bobbing your head, the orchestra keeps changing tempo. [Singing] “He’s got the whole world in his nose.”
- Sympathetic: ‘Ah!!! What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
- Complimentary:You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on.
- Scientific: Say! Does that thing influence the tides?
- Obscure: I’d hate to see the grindstone.
- Inquiry: When you stop and smell the flowers, are they afraid?
- French: Say! The pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave.
- Pornographic: Finally! A man who can satisfy two women at once.
- Religious: The Lord giveth, and he just kept on giving it, didn’t He?
- Disgusting: Say! Who mows your nose hair?
- Paranoid: Say! Keep that guy away from my cocaine.
- Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee—in Brazil.
- Appreciative: Oh! How original! Most people just have their teeth capped.
- Dirty: Your name wouldn’t happen to be Dick, would it?
When the contest is over and Charlie has regaled the crowd with 20 nose related insults, the beaten loudmouth says, "You smart ass, son-of-a-bitch," to which Charlie replies, "You flat-face, flat-nose flat-head." Then Charlie blocks the man's attack, raps him in the face with the back of his fist and sends the man falling to the floor.
Note: The above examples were inspired from the play Cyrano De Bergerac written by Edmond Rostand (1868-1918).
After C.D. Bales listens to Mayor Deebs' idea to use a cow as the Oktoberfest mascot, Charlie sarcastically replies, "I think it's brilliant! What an idea! And I was there! He took the idea! He saw it ripe on the tree, he plucked it, and he put it in his pocket. It's, it's, dare I say... genius? Ah, no, no! But maybe, ooh! ah! maybe it is! Maybe I'm in the presence of greatness, maybe I just don't know it. But I saw it..."
See also Cyrano De Bergerac (1950)