"You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, 'cause I'll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass.“
Description: Chris Farley as Thomas "Tommy" Callahan III threatens a bunch of kids on shore when they taunt him because he is stuck in the middle of a lake on a sailboat with no wind in the motion picture Tommy Boy (1995). The kids were saying things like, "Hey, you ain't moving!"; "No, you need to drop a couple hundred pounds Blimp!"; " Hey Gilligan, did you eat the skipper?!"; " Hey lady, there's a fat whale on your boat! ya, free Willy."; and "Your sail is limp, like your dick!"
To get even with the little punks, Michelle Brock (Julie Warner), the girl in the boat makes the kids scatter, when she yells, "Listen, you little spazoids! I know where you live and I’ve seen where you sleep. I swear that your mothers will cry when they see what I’ve done to you!"
Tommy Callahan III is the clumsy, immature, and seemingly imcompetent son of Big Tom Callahan (Brian Dennehy), a Sandusky, Ohio auto parts factory owner who has recently died from a heart attack after he marries Beverly Barrish (Bo Derek), his new, young wife.
Now that his father is gone, Tommy, newly graduated from Marquette University after 7 years (with a D average) finds himself in charge of his father's auto parts empire. When he realizes the company is in trouble, he goes on the road with Richard Hayden (David Spade), Big Tom's officious, but efficient right-hand man to sell a line of brakes pads recently manufactured by his father. Their ride is Richard's 1967 Plymouth GTX convertible which is totaled by the end of their journey.
|Tommy:||Does this suit make me look fat?|
|Richard:||No, your face does.|
Along the way, things are not going as well as he likes and one day in the middle of an office while trying to sell his brakes pads to a client, Tommy succumbs to the pressure of running his deceased father’s business and loudly laments:
“Forget it, I quit, I can't do this any more, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamned bridge abutment.”
Of course, Tommy loses the sale, the same way he loses the sale when he tries to explain why another client should choose his brake pad product over another competitor.
|Tommy:|| Uh, what my associate is trying say is... Our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it. Like, let's say you're driving along the road with your family.
[Picks up model car]
You're drivin' along, la-de-da, woo. All of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. EEEEEEEEE! Whoa, that was close. Ha-ha. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the "other guy's" brake pads. You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along, the kids start shouting from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy!" "Not now, damn it!" Truck tire. EEEEEEEE! I CAN'T STOP! [Slams model car into lighter] There's a cliff! AAAAAHH! And your family's screaming, [sets car on fire] "Oh my God, we're burning alive!" "No! I can't feel my legs!" Here comes the meat wagon. [Imitates siren] And the medic gets out and says, "Oh my God". New guy's around the corner puking his guts out. [Imitates puking] All because you want to save a couple extra pennies. And to me, it doesn't...
|Executive:||Get out. NOW!|
|Tommy:||[Richard tries blowing out flaming car] Do you validate?|
After another day of unsuccessful sales, the boys sit down at a restaurant, and Tommy orders chicken wings, but Helen the waitress (Maria Vacratsis) tells him the kitchen is closed. Tommy really wants his wings, and so he begins a silly but charming explanation about why he sucks as a salesman by telling a story about Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet (a dinner roll). At the end of his presentation, Helen says, "God, your sick" but agrees to turn on the fryer and get Tommy his wings.
At that point, Richard asks Tommy why he can't be that way with the clients. He reminds Tommy that he is not as much selling a product than selling himself. And if the clients likes him, he will make the sales. Tommy takes Richard's suggestion to heart and their luck increases as do their sales.
"Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?" - Paul [to Tommy]
But, Tommy soon faces another problem, namely, his father's widow and her alleged son Paul (Rob Lowe) want to claim ownership of the auto parts factory and sell it off to Ray Zalinsky (Dan Aykroyd), a rival auto parts manufacturer.
"Truth is, I make car parts for the American working man because I'm a hell of a salesman and he doesn't know any better. Well, son, since you're no longer a shareholder, this is where I leave you. Don't feel bad. This chain of events was set in motion a long time ago, and you and bald-headed friend, you did what you could and that's commendable. Marty, have Security see these boys out."
Luckily, with the help of Tommy's friend, Michelle, the sale of the factory is nixxed and his new mother is revealed to be a fraud, which turns ownership of all Big Tom Callahan's assets back into Tommy's Hand. With disaster averted, the factory gets Zalinsky as a new client and the Callahan Auto's 300 workers keep their jobs.
|Paul:||Wait a minute, fat boy. You lost your shares to the bank. You don't even have a right to be here!|
|Michelle:||Gee, it's funny you should bring that up, 'cause I'm not sure that you have the right to be here.|
|Tommy:||Whoa, what have we got here? Oh, my God, it's a Police Report.|
|Ray Zalinsky:||What's all this about?|
|Tommy:||Let's see. "Paul Barrish, married May 1993 to Beverly Barrish aka Beverly Burns". Richard, how could Beverly be married to Paul and my dad at the same time? Interesting!|
|Tommy:||What I think it means is your marriage to my dad was never legal.|
|Michelle:||Which also means that Beverly's shares still belong to Tommy.|