Black SplatVampires (1998)

"How do you like your stake, bitch?"

John Carpenter's Vampires - Team of Vampires hunters destroy a nest of vampires

Description: Callous inquiry delivered by vampire slayer Anthony Montoya (Billy Baldwin) as he impales his prey in John Carpenter’s horror flick Vampires (1998).

Assigned to clear out a nest of the ‘undead’ in a ramshackle home in the Southwest, slayer Jack Crow (James Woods) and his crew of killers enter their lair and drag them, one by one, kicking and screaming into the daylight and to their doom.

“Open up wide, baby,” invites Crow as he lets loose an arrow into the chest of a snarling bloodsucker. Perusing the corpse of a slain vampire, Crow quips, “He’s not only ugly; he smells bad.”

At the request of The Vatican, who has known for centuries about the existence of vampires, Father Adam Guiteau, (Tim Guinee) joins the team of vampire hunters. Jack Crow explains the nature of vampires to the novice priest:

"Well first of all, they're not romatic. Its not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right? Forget whatever you've seen in the movies: they don't turn into bats, crosses don't work. Garlic? You wanna try garlic? You could stand there with garlic around your neck and one of these buggers will bend you fucking over and take a walk up your strada-chocolata WHILE he's suckin' the blood outta your neck, all right? And they don't sleep in coffins lined in taffata. You wanna kill one, you drive a wooden stake right through his fuckin' heart. Sunlight turns 'em into crispy critters."

As the film concludes, Jack battles the Master vampire, Jan Valek, a product of a botched exorcism performed by the Catholic Church in the 14th century.

Cardinal Alba (Maximillion Schell) betrays Jack for the sake of immortality ("the prospect of death terrifies me") and assists Valek with an unholy ceremony involving a black relic cross (The Cross of Berseires) that will make Valek invincible and able to walk in the daylight.

At first, captured by Valek, Jack says " Hey, Valek! Why don't you prove you can kick my ass! Come on, untie me, you prick! Fucking pole-smoking fashion victim!"

Jack: What the fuck do you want, Valek?
Valek: Oh, you hate me so, don't ya? But you made me, Crusader. You hate what you made. You fear it because it is superior to you. For six hundred years, I've fed on your kind at will!
Jack: Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?
Cardinal Alba: Because you are needed, Jack. The ceremony is a re-enactment of the first exorcism. It requires the blood of a crusader and his crucifixion upon a burning cross. The climax of the ceremony must coincide with the first rays of the rising sun. Sorry, Jack.

In the end, Jack escapes his bonds and pierces Valek’s heart with the black relic cross. Then, collapsing the ceiling to introduce sunlight into the darken room, Jack Crow kills the Master (Thomas Ian Griffith) and puts an end to his reign of terror.

Note: The catchphrase “Die! Die! You Fucker, Die!” is sprinkled liberally throughout the movie script.

John Carpenter's Vampires - Movie Poster

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