Black SplatThe Witches of Eastwick (1987)

"You are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life."

The Witches of Eastwick - Alex insults Daryl

Description: Cher as Alexandra “Alex” Medford offers an honest appraisal of Daryl Van Horne (Jack Nicholson), a mysterious wealthy suitor in the comedy horror film The Witches of Eastwick (1987).

Alex is a sculptress who lives in the New England town of Eastwick. Every Thursday night she meets with her close friends Jane Spofford (Susan Sarandon) and Sukie Ridgemont (Michelle Pfeiffer) to drink wine and talk about their lives and their loneliness. Alex is a widow with one daughter; Sukie's husband deserted her, leaving her with five children; and Jane, a shy music teacher is newly divorced and unable to have children.


One stormy Thursday night, as the three women sit by the flicker of a fireplace, they make a wish for an ideal man. They decide he must be handsome, but not too handsome, good eyes, nice ass. As for the size of his penis, "huge or small as long as it works." As the clank their glasses together to seal the bargain, suddenly into the town comes a stranger replete with a towering butler who takes up residence at The Lennox House, a landmark mansion.

The next day, the women learn the new man in town is Daryl Van Horne (actually the Devil in disguise) and soon Alex, Sukie and Jane fall under his spell. Under Daryl's tutelage the women discover powers within themselves they never dreamed they had. They become the Witches of Eastwick.

The Witches of Eastwick - Daryl listens as Alex insults him.

Alex is the first to feel the Daryl's charms, although on the surface there is not that much to look at. After showing Alex to his bedroom, Daryl admits, "I always like a little pussy after lunch." Disgusted, Alex rejects his indecent proposal and offers the following monologue:

“I will try to be as direct and honest with you as I possibly can. I think, no, I am positive, that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time that we have been together you have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you’re morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid. You have no taste, a lousy sense of humor and you smell. You’re not even interesting enough to make me sick.”

After Alex critiques Daryl, she asks "Who are you?"and Daryl responds, "Just your average horny little devil." Later, while speaking to her friends, Alex says, “I hope his dick is bigger than his I.Q.”

Now Daryl knows that he is a stinker and freely admits his faults of the gender that he represents.

“Men are such cock suckers aren’t they? You don’t have to answer that. It’s true. They’re scared. Their dicks get limp when confronted by a woman of obvious power and what do they do about it? Call them witches, burn them, torture them, until every woman is afraid. Afraid of herself...afraid of men...and all for what? Fear of losing their hard-on.”

The Witches of Eastwick - Daryl in bed with Alex, Jane and Sukie

Soon after, Daryl has his way with all three of the women, impregnating all of them, but the witches soon realize that their dance with the devil is no longer something they want. after Daryl causes the death of a citizen in town. And so using all of the supernatural tricks they've learned, the girls set about to chase Daryl out of town and out of their lives.

The Witches of Eastwick - Voodoo doll of Daryl Van Horne

Using a voodoo doll, comprised of bits of Daryl's personal possesions, the witches conjure up a windstorm of feathers that blows Daryl into a church. As he closes the double doors in the vestibule to get away from the bluster, Daryl turns to see a church service filled with a congregation and a Minister looking in awe at what the wind just blew into their midst. Still dressed in his bathrobe, Daryl wanders down the aisle and asks those in attendance for help in understanding the gentler sex.

The Witches of Eastwick - Daryl in church

"Let me ask you something, you're all church going folk. I rally want to ask you. Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created woman? Huh? No shit. I really wanna know. Or do you think it was another one of His minor mistakes like tidal waves, earthquakes, FLOODS? You think women are like that? What's the matter? You don't think God makes mistakes? Of course He does. We ALL make mistakes. Of course, when WE make mistakes they call it evil. When GOD makes mistakes, they call it... nature. So whaddya think? Women...a mistake.. or did he DO IT TO US ON PURPOSE? Because I really want to know, because, if it's a mistake maybe we can do something about it. Find a cure. Invent a vaccine. Build up our immune systems. Get a little exercise. You know, twenty pushups a day and you never have to be afflicted with women EVER AGAIN."

The Witches of Eastwcik - Daryl seeks revenge

Furious at how the women have mistreated and humiliated him, Daryl (The Devil) returns to the mansion to punish Alex, Jane and Sukie for their effrontery.

The Witches of Estwick - The witches throw voodoo doll in fire

Frightened, the girls throw the wax voodoo doll of Daryl into the fire and he vanishes, at least, until the girls have given birth to Daryl's children. Then on occassion, Daryl pops into their lives by appearing on a TV screen, but not wanting Daryl to influence the lives of their children, the girls click off the television and go about their business as the new residents of The Lennox House Mansion.

Note: In the film The Lady Vanishes (1938) Margaret Lockwood as Iris Henderson tells her annoying hotel neighbor Gilbert (Michael Redgrave), “You’re the most contemptible person I’ve ever met in all my life” Gilbert confesses, “I'm about as popular as a dose of strychnine. He then admits to Iris, “Confidentially, I think you’re a bit of a stinker, too.”

In the film The Big Chill (1983) Mary Kay Place as Meg offers this rant on men:

“They're either married or gay. And if they’re not gay, they’ve just broken up with the most wonderful woman in the world, or they’ve just broken up with a bitch who looks exactly like me. They’re in transition from a monogamous relationship and they need more space. Or they’re tired of space, but they just can’t commit. Or they want to commit, but they’re afraid to get close. They want to get close; you don’t want to get near them.”

The Witches of Eastwick - Movie Poster

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